Rebuilding Trust in Relationships

Many couples that come to see me have trust issues. Various levels of trust problems exist in many marriages, but I usually don't wind up seeing people in therapy unless a major trust problem has developed. In these situations, usually one member of the couple has violated fundamental principles of relational trust.

I've seen trust broken with extramarital affairs, pornography use, lying, and online friendships. Often, the person who has broken the trust relationship wants to "move on" and forget it happened, while the person who has felt betrayed cannot seem to ever let go of the issue. They are both often confused about how or if trust can be restored in the relationship.

My experience tells me that trust is not rebuilt quickly or easily. It seems that there are three key elements in the process.

1) The person who has broken trust must actively seek to rebuild trust by pursuing opportunities to demonstrate trustworthiness.

Trust rebuilding is not automatic with the passage of time. Whereas trust may have been assumed before, it is now created daily though purposeful action. This might include regular phone calls to "check in" or extra precautions taken to avoid even the appearance of untrustworthy behaviors. It will depend very much on the people in the relationship and the way in which trust was broken.

2) Rebuilding trust will happen over a period of months or even years. Even though time does not automatically create new trust again, time is a required part of the process. Most of us use past behavior as a predictor of future behavior. What else would we use? Therefore, trust-building behaviors over time should naturally assure the person who has been betrayed that the behavior that led to broken trust truly is in the past.

3) Forgiveness is the last ingredient. Obviously, this originates from the person who has been betrayed. Often, people who have been betrayed want to lash out and hurt their partners. They may come to use the broken trust as a weapon in the relationship--a way to inflict pain or exact revenge on the person who broke trust. This is, of course, counterproductive to relational healing. When sincere attempts are being made (even if they are small) to regain trust, these should be acknowledged and appreciated. Total forgiveness should be the ultimate goal. If not, the memory of the broken trust will serve only the continue to damage the relationshp over time and the person who is trying to regain trust may give up, feeling that his or her efforts will "never be good enough."

The couples I have worked with who  have incorporate these principles into their process of rebuilding trust have been successful and often come out of the experience with an even greater appreciation for each other and the value of trust in the relationship than they had before.


Adam Moore is a Southern Utah marriage and family therapist and enjoys helping couples rebuild broken relational trust.
http://www.adammmoore.com/