People often use the terms guilt and shame interchangably, and while they may believe the difference between the two words is semantic only, I believe there is a key difference that can matter in your day-to-day life.
To me, guilt is a valuable tool. Guilt occurs when our actions are not in line with our values. We do something (or fail to do something) that makes us feel disconnected from the things we value in life, such as loyalty, integrity, love, or trust. Guilt should be a motivating force to help us realign our behaviors with our values. Guilt tells us something about our behaviors.
Shame, on the other hand, is not very helpful. Shame says something about who we are at our core. Shame says, "I am a bad person," whereas guilt says, "I am a good person who did something that I am not proud of." Shame is not a motivator for change. Shame says that because we are "bad" in our core, we will always make incorrect choices and can never change. Shame leads us to wallow in self-pity. Since change is not possible, according to shame, there is no point in trying.
Guilt helps us to change. It is a reminder that we can improve and that we need to correct our course in order to keep our goals and actions aligned. When our values and behaviors are in tune, we are happy. Guilt is a good thing. Shame is not. Many people walk around with shame, feeling they are no good or a lost cause. If you struggle with shame, there is hope. A skilled counselor can help you navigate your values and behaviors and find ways to connect them--eliminating shame from your life.
Adam Moore provides individual, couple, and family therapy services in Southern Utah.
http://www.adammmoore.com/
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