New Site and Blog

I have decided to switch to an integrated blog/website format. So, this blog is closing down, to be continued here:

http://adammmoore.com/blog/

Come join me!

Adam

Is Marital Counseling Too Expensive?

At a cost of $100 to $150 per session, marital counseling (or therapy) seems pretty expensive. After 10 sessions, you've spent between $1,000 and $1,500. So is it worth it? Several studies say yes! According to Caldwell, Woolley, and Caldwell (2007), marital therapy is a cost-effective approach to reduce public divorce costs or to offset health care expenses that come in the wake of divorce.

Certainly, 10 to 15 sessions of marital therapy are much less expensive than all of the associated costs of divorce. Not only that, your relationship itself is worth more than a couple thousand dollars. Long-term health benefits of being married alone are worth the investment in counseling.

I've conducted some research recently that demonstrates the effectiveness and cost effectiveness of marital counseling in managed care, and the results are very promising. Receiving professional help for relational problems can be minimally costly, relatively brief, and quite effective. In fact, some recent research indicates that people who are simply looking for sufficient change to feel "good enough" to move forward on their own may only need around six therapy sessions.

Whatever relational problems or issues you bring to the table, consider marital counseling as a cost-effective method of getting the help you need.


Adam Moore provides cost-effective marital counseling services in St. George, Utah and would love to help you!
http://www.adammmoore.com/

Rebuilding Trust in Relationships

Many couples that come to see me have trust issues. Various levels of trust problems exist in many marriages, but I usually don't wind up seeing people in therapy unless a major trust problem has developed. In these situations, usually one member of the couple has violated fundamental principles of relational trust.

I've seen trust broken with extramarital affairs, pornography use, lying, and online friendships. Often, the person who has broken the trust relationship wants to "move on" and forget it happened, while the person who has felt betrayed cannot seem to ever let go of the issue. They are both often confused about how or if trust can be restored in the relationship.

My experience tells me that trust is not rebuilt quickly or easily. It seems that there are three key elements in the process.

1) The person who has broken trust must actively seek to rebuild trust by pursuing opportunities to demonstrate trustworthiness.

Trust rebuilding is not automatic with the passage of time. Whereas trust may have been assumed before, it is now created daily though purposeful action. This might include regular phone calls to "check in" or extra precautions taken to avoid even the appearance of untrustworthy behaviors. It will depend very much on the people in the relationship and the way in which trust was broken.

2) Rebuilding trust will happen over a period of months or even years. Even though time does not automatically create new trust again, time is a required part of the process. Most of us use past behavior as a predictor of future behavior. What else would we use? Therefore, trust-building behaviors over time should naturally assure the person who has been betrayed that the behavior that led to broken trust truly is in the past.

3) Forgiveness is the last ingredient. Obviously, this originates from the person who has been betrayed. Often, people who have been betrayed want to lash out and hurt their partners. They may come to use the broken trust as a weapon in the relationship--a way to inflict pain or exact revenge on the person who broke trust. This is, of course, counterproductive to relational healing. When sincere attempts are being made (even if they are small) to regain trust, these should be acknowledged and appreciated. Total forgiveness should be the ultimate goal. If not, the memory of the broken trust will serve only the continue to damage the relationshp over time and the person who is trying to regain trust may give up, feeling that his or her efforts will "never be good enough."

The couples I have worked with who  have incorporate these principles into their process of rebuilding trust have been successful and often come out of the experience with an even greater appreciation for each other and the value of trust in the relationship than they had before.


Adam Moore is a Southern Utah marriage and family therapist and enjoys helping couples rebuild broken relational trust.
http://www.adammmoore.com/

Guilt Vs. Shame

People often use the terms guilt and shame interchangably, and while they may believe the difference between the two words is semantic only, I believe there is a key difference that can matter in your day-to-day life.

To me, guilt is a valuable tool. Guilt occurs when our actions are not in line with our values. We do something (or fail to do something) that makes us feel disconnected from the things we value in life, such as loyalty, integrity, love, or trust. Guilt should be a motivating force to help us realign our behaviors with our values. Guilt tells us something about our behaviors.

Shame, on the other hand, is not very helpful. Shame says something about who we are at our core. Shame says, "I am a bad person," whereas guilt says, "I am a good person who did something that I am not proud of." Shame is not a motivator for change. Shame says that because we are "bad" in our core, we will always make incorrect choices and can never change. Shame leads us to wallow in self-pity. Since change is not possible, according to shame, there is no point in trying.

Guilt helps us to change. It is a reminder that we can improve and that we need to correct our course in order to keep our goals and actions aligned. When our values and behaviors are in tune, we are happy. Guilt is a good thing. Shame is not. Many people walk around with shame, feeling they are no good or a lost cause. If you struggle with shame, there is hope. A skilled counselor can help you navigate your values and behaviors and find ways to connect them--eliminating shame from your life.

Adam Moore provides individual, couple, and family therapy services in Southern Utah.
http://www.adammmoore.com/

Relationships Require Hard Work

I think a lot of people could save a lot of money on marital counseling if they understood this one concept: long-term relationships are hard work. I think most people would agree with this statement, but the reality is that many do not want to believe it.

So many people are looking for the "magic bullet" relationship fix, and while we do often get stuck in unproductive patterns, much of our relationship struggles can be resolved with the passage of time and a committment to sticking it out.

This isn't to say that marital counseling should be a last resort. On the contrary, I think many problems could be resolved much more quickly and with less pain if couples were to deal with issues as they came up, rather than years later, after things have become much worse.

However, if you ask people who have been married for many years, they'll often say that the key to a long marriage is simply a determination to stay marrired "no matter what."

Adam Moore provides marital counseling for residents St. George, Utah and the surrounding cities.
http://www.adammmoore.com/